


Up for Air from the Swimming Pool

by tillwinter



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: A little angst, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff, Kylo tries to be nice, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Trans Armitage Hux, but he has good reasons, hux doesnt let him, millicent the cat is here, phasma finn and rey are mentioned, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 04:07:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18402788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tillwinter/pseuds/tillwinter
Summary: Hux trusted Kylo, wanted so badly to please him but.He just couldn't.(Or, Hux attempts to juggle his relationship with Kylo and his overwhelming discomfort with his own body.)





	Up for Air from the Swimming Pool

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this fic very much for myself as an 18 year old trans man who wants to have sex, but is petrified of the thought of actually having sex lol. that being said, i don't want to speak for every trans* person. everything in this fic is reflective of my own thoughts and feelings. hux may seem ooc, but that's because he acts sort of as a extension of me.
> 
> anyway, i hope you enjoy! this is the longest fic i've written to date and i'm pretty happy with it. hopefully i'll post more soon :^)
> 
> *un-beta'ed so any mistakes are on me!  
> *title and lyrics in text are from frank ocean's "pink + white"

_ Just the same way you showed me _

_ You showed me love _

_ Glory from above _

_ Regard, my dear _

_ It’s all downhill from here _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Hux felt the distant  _ thud  _ of the closing front door reverberate through his bones as it sealed behind a disgruntled Kylo. He was scrunched up on the only expensive piece of furniture he owned, an  _ IKEA  _ couch Kylo had helped him assemble only months ago. The caps of his pointy knees dug into the soft underbelly of his chin as he sank deeper into the hardly worn cushions. 

 

Starting a fight wasn’t his intention. He couldn’t say that was always the case, but he’d been trying tonight. In fact, they had been doing really well recently. 

 

Hux would return home after a long day of work and call Kylo the moment his keys made their way to the kitchen counter. He found solace in the image of Ren bursting through the door, takeout in hand, hair thrown carelessly into a knot at the base of his head. 

 

It was horribly domestic, and wonderfully reassuring. He loved Kylo, so much, so how could he find the words to explain his lack of interest in pursuing the more, intimate, side of their relationship?

 

They had been together for eight months. And Hux was 24, for crying out loud. There was no reason for him to feel crippled with fear each time Kylo so much as grazed the meat of his thigh, or lingered at the small of his back. He trusted Kylo, wanted so badly to please him, but. He just  _ couldn’t _ . And that was exactly why he found himself alone within the once tranquil walls of his small apartment. 

 

It had started as innocently as any other evening. Kylo arrived home with a bag of Chinese food and an air of warmth that filled Hux to the brim. 

 

_ Home _ . He always did that; assumed Ren would occupy a permanent space in his life, that his mismatched socks would remain in Hux’s hamper for years to come. 

 

From his place in the bedroom, Hux could hear Kylo rummaging through cabinets for various plates and utensils. He emerged soon after, strolling into the kitchen to see Kylo scooping heaps of fried rice onto a plate. Millicent was wrapped around his ankles, waiting rather impatiently for any amount of food to tumble to the floor. She chirped at the sight of Hux, causing Kylo to look up.

 

He smiled. “How nice of you to join us.” 

 

Hux moved to the taller man’s side, planting a kiss on the stubble of his cheek. “What did you get?”

 

“Some lo mein, some veggie fried rice, some sesame chicken,” Kylo punctuated each word with a nudge to Hux’s hip. “Got all you could ask for and more.” 

 

Hux hummed, picking up the plates and kissing Kylo once more. He couldn’t help himself. Whenever he was around Kylo, something changed. He found himself glued to Ren’s side, or blushing under his attention despite his usual composure. It was odd. And should have been unnerving, but Hux couldn’t find it within himself to worry when Kylo looked at him with hearts in those deep, brown eyes. 

 

Hux made his way into the living room, placing their food on the coffee table. Kylo followed closely behind and took his usual place at the corner of the couch, stretching the full length of his legs across the cushions. Hux sat cross legged on the floor, allowing Kylo maximum lounging space. 

 

They ate in relative silence. Kylo was too invested in the last few episodes of  _ Brooklyn 99  _ they’d been watching to talk, and Hux was always happy to simply sit in the man’s presence. Three episodes in, Kylo’s plate was cleared and tossed aside, leaving a spot for Hux to occupy. 

 

A sudden  _ thwack _ at the back of Hux’s head disturbed their comfortable silence. He turned to see Ren grinning stupidly and patting the empty space between his legs. Hux tried his best to feign annoyance, but joined Kylo without any hesitation. 

 

He climbed onto the couch, settled against the other man’s chest, and Kylo responded immediately: locking his arms around Hux’s waist and nosing at the shell of his ear. It was easy to see where this was going. And the thought left an imprint of panic in Hux’s chest. 

 

“Ren,” Hux warned, though his voice lacked any malice. 

 

Kylo hummed in acknowledgement, but continued down the familiar path. He pressed a series of soft kisses into the pale skin beneath Hux’s ear, steadily trailing along his jaw. 

 

Hux shifted, trying his best to remain calm.  _ You’ve been together for a long time _ , he told himself.  _ He cares about you, he won’t hurt you _ . The mantra flashed through Hux’s mind, begging him to be reasonable and mature and an  _ adult _ and-- Ren slid a hand into his lap. Hux froze. He couldn’t breath, didn’t dare. He felt the warmth of Kylo’s palm through his jeans, the drag of his fingernails as they raked over his thigh. 

 

It seemed as though Kylo had been murmuring into Hux’s skin the entire time, unbeknownst to him. He could feel Kylo’s mouth form each word, but it was impossible to make them out. Hux tried to throw himself head first into the moment;  _ focus on what he’s saying to you, that’ll make you feel better _ . He centered on the movement of Ren’s hand against his thigh as it danced in a steady back and forth. 

 

Just then, Kylo’s other hand slid over his stomach, beginning the aescent towards his chest. Hux grabbed his wrist.

 

“No!” 

 

Kylo stopped. He pulled his hands from Hux and leaned as far away as he possibly could in their compromising position. Hux shuffled to the other end of the couch. 

 

He watched Kylo, examining the way in which Ren’s eyes seemed to look through him. Hux knew he should say something, knew the silence surrounding them would cause more harm than good, but he couldn’t find the words. Kylo shook his head.

 

“You gotta let me in, Hux.” 

 

The smaller man splintered. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I hate when you do this, speaking in riddles like a fucking wizard.” 

 

Kylo chuckled. “You know damn well what I’m talking about. We do this every fucking time, Hux.”

 

“Stop saying my name like that.”

 

“Like what? Like I actually give a shit?” Kylo was sitting up now; his eyes blown wide and nostrils flaring. “I don’t know what you want from me. I tell you that I care about you, that I want to make you happy, and you don’t give me anything! How am I supposed to help you if you won’t even tell me what’s wrong?”

 

Hux scowled. “I could blow you if that would make you happy.” 

 

“Oh, c’mon. Don’t be a bitch.” Kylo sat at the edge of the couch. The familiar warmth of his eyes had been replaced by a spike of cold anger. 

 

“You’ve always been an eager participant, never had any complaints when I got you off and you didn’t have to do shit, but  _ now  _ I’m being a bitch,” he scoffed. “That’s rich, Kylo.”

 

Ren rose abruptly from the couch. “Get your shit together. I’m trying. God, Hux, I’m trying so fucking hard to show you I care and you won’t let me.” 

 

Hux avoided his gaze. 

 

Kylo pulled on his shoes and pocketed his phone. “Call me when you’re ready to talk.” 

 

And with that, he stormed out of the apartment, leaving an infuriated Hux in his wake. He pulled his legs against his chest; folding in on himself and crumbling under the weight of Kylo’s words. This always happened after a fight. Hux would analyze every word, each facial expression, until he was left in a pool of dread. 

 

Okay. So maybe they never  _ explicitly _ discussed Hux’s boundaries or what that meant for their sex life (or rather, a lack thereof). But if Hux hardly understood his own emotions, how could he communicate those same emotions to Kylo? 

 

He couldn’t, but Ren didn’t seem to understand that. 

 

Hux remained in the same spot on the couch roughly an hour after Kylo left. The sound of the tv filled the otherwise silent house; a distant laugh track that seemed to poke incessantly at his despair. At one point, Millicent scaled the back of the couch and  _ mrowed  _ in his ear, politely asking to eat. Hux pulled himself from the depths of the warm cushions, limbs popping and prickling as he rose. 

 

“I’m sorry my love,” he murmured. “Are you hungry?” Millie danced after him, following as he reached the kitchen pantry and pulled out a tin of wet food. Hux emptied it into her dish and watched the cat chow down until he grew bored. A glance at the stove’s digital clock told him it was just after nine o’clock. With the weight of the night’s events heavy on his mind, Hux decided it was the perfect time to go to sleep. 

 

He trailed into his bedroom, shimmied out of his jeans, and traded his knitted sweater for a random t-shirt that was, of course, Kylo’s. Feeling defeated by the universe’s final blow to whatever amount of sanity he had left, he let himself fall face first into his still made bed. 

 

* * *

  
  


Hux awoke the next morning to the fluff of Millicent’s bushy tail tickling his nose. The blinds were drawn, allowing only small streams of light to illuminate white sheets and orange fur. 

 

It was a Saturday, presumably still early due to the apartment building’s stand-still silence. Hux tried to bask in the fog that surrounded his newly awoken mind, attempted to bury images of the night before, but was deemed unsuccessful as bits and pieces of Kylo’s argument flooded his senses. 

 

The Ren from his memory was furrow-browed and tense all over. Something within Hux ached at the realization that  _ he _ had made Ren that way. The thought left him with an unfamiliar discomfort. Typically, he enjoyed riling Kylo up when they fought. But that was usually followed by Ren crowding his space, suffocating him with an open mouthed kiss, and Hux shoving him out the door. 

 

Last night, Kylo had made it to the door on his own. 

 

The well-timed rumble of his stomach pulled Hux from the painful recount of the night before. He slid out of bed, unplugging his phone from the wall as he went, and padded into the well lit kitchen. He set his phone face down on the countertop upon arrival. He had no desire to see the lack of notifications from Kylo this early in the morning, instead focusing his attention on Millie’s empty water dish and the lack of food in his system.

  
  
  
  


After preparing a helping of buttered toast and coffee, Hux retreated to the comfort of a hot shower. He kept his phone close, setting it on the vanity before stepping into the tub. He let the scorching water fall over his head and narrow shoulders, down his torso and knobby knees, until it disappeared into the porcelain drain. The water went down slowly, something Kylo said he’d take a look at, but now Hux was stuck with his useless shower drain and his empty apartment and too many Chinese takeout leftovers. 

 

He was just beginning to lather shampoo through his hair when Hux heard the subtle ring of his phone. He jerked the shower curtain aside and placed a wet foot on the tiled floor. He wanted so badly for the call to be from Kylo. He had to realize by now that Hux would never call him first, that the ginger was far too stubborn to put an end to their dispute. 

 

With shampoo still in his hair, Hux picked up the phone. He deflated. It was Phasma. 

 

He tried to stifle his disappointment. “Hello?”

 

“Hey, we still doing brunch today or what? I texted Kylo but he never answered, the little shit.” 

 

Drops of water fell from Hux’s damp hair. 

 

“Hux?”

 

“No.” He cleared his throat. “Sorry, I don’t think we’re coming. We’ll catch up next week.” 

 

There was silence on the other end. Phasma didn’t have to say anything, Hux understood. 

 

“Wanna tell me what’s going on,” she asked. 

 

“No,” he said. “Not really.”

 

“Want me to come over?”

 

Hux considered this. It wouldn’t be anything new; Phasma regularly swept in at the final hour to build him up, to convince him of Ren’s unmatched commitment and unconditional love. But. This felt different somehow. Because Kylo was just as stubborn as he, and the man seemed unflinching on his position. 

 

He shut off the shower. “It’s okay.” 

 

Phasma didn’t seem convinced, but they said their goodbyes anyway. Hux tucked a towel around his waist and stuck his head in sink, turning on the faucet to eliminate any existing shampoo. It was pathetic. And something Hux hadn’t done since Kylo dyed his hair in their dormitory bathroom. Of course, back then, Ren had been laughing over his shoulder with brown dye covering his hands. 

 

The memory made Hux sick. 

 

When he left the bathroom, it was almost 11am and Hux found himself faced with the awkward decision of crawling back into bed, or behaving like a functioning adult. His bed was certainly tempting, though it began to lose its appeal the more he considered the amount of cat hair covering the sheets. So one option remained. 

 

Hux pulled the necessities from the top drawer of his dresser: socks, briefs, binder. (He ignored the fact that he had to push Kylo’s intimates aside to get to his own.) He didn’t pay any mind to the outfit he chose, instead grabbing whatever happened to match. 

 

He stripped his mattress of its bedding, gathering pillowcases and sheets and blankets into a ball and dumping them into the small basket beside his bathroom door. Hux scoured the apartment for any remaining laundry that may have found its way beneath his bed or shoved into the back corner of his closet, tossed it into the basket, and carried it towards the door. 

 

He threw a parting remake over his shoulder as he passed Millie, promising he’d be back soon, he simply needed to tend to the dirty laundry. He was met with silence and the image of Millicent fast asleep on the couch.   

 

* * *

  
  


It took Hux almost a week to call Kylo. He didn’t hear from Ren at all over those five days, though, to be fair, he didn’t make any attempt of his own to contact the younger man. 

 

The few days they spent apart were oddly normal. Hux found himself falling into familiar habits: working late, eating less than he should, drinking far more coffee than necessary. It was a bit alarming how quickly he adapted to life without Kylo, but part of Hux believed he was always preparing for the moment their relationship fell apart. Perhaps this was just the beginning of the end. 

 

Luckily, on the fourth day, he ran into Rey. 

 

He was out shopping for throw pillows, desperate to find a reason to get out of the house. Not to mention he’d come to the realization that there were only so many cat hairs one person could clean off of a polyester pillow. Hux had eventually found himself perusing dishware with a pillow in hand when he heard the distinct sound of Finn’s laugh. He cringed. Wherever Finn was, Rey was never far behind, and Hux had no desire to face Kylo’s overprotective cousin. 

 

He attempted a quick escape, ducking behind shop displays and weaving around patrons, but he was too late.

 

“Hux?” 

 

He stopped mid-stride. 

 

“Hux! Hey!” 

 

A hand landed on his shoulder, cementing him in place. Hux turned, praying that God himself would strike him down, to find Finn beaming. He pushed out a response. “Hey, sorry, I didn’t see you guys.”

 

Rey hung back, hiding behind Finn’s jovial aura and well calculated small talk. If she remained that way for the rest of the interaction, maybe Hux could handle it. 

 

“It’s been a while,” Finn noted. “How’ve you been?”

 

Hux could feel Rey’s eyes boring into him. “Fine, things have been fine. Maybe a little busy but, I can’t complain.” That was a lie. He could complain. A lot, actually. But he wouldn’t let Rey have the satisfaction. 

 

Rey hummed. Finn flashed a sympathetic smile. “That’s really good to hear. Y’know, I think we’re,” Finn gestured between himself and Rey, “having dinner this week with Leia, Han, and Luke. Maybe we could catch up some more there?”

 

Hux tried to keep his smile from faltering too much. “You guys know how work is for me. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to make it.”

 

“Hey, I get it dude. It was great seeing you.” 

 

Rey seemed to be watching Hux’s every move as he spoke with Finn; from the way he rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, to the way he avoided her gaze. He cursed the universe for toying with him this way, for sticking him in a random Target mid-afternoon with his maybe ex-boyfriend’s stubborn cousin and her oblivious boyfriend. 

 

Finn sighed, breaking the now awkward silence that had stretched between them. “I’ll let you guys talk.” 

 

And with that, Finn was gone. Maybe he wasn’t so oblivious after all. 

 

Rey crossed her arms over her chest. “What the hell is going on, Hux?”

 

Well. At least she let Finn skip away before tearing into Hux. 

 

“It’s always great to see you, Rey.” 

 

“I’m sure it is. Now answer the question.” 

 

Hux scoffed. “Do you really want to do this here? In front of all the housewives?”

 

“Yeah Hux, I do, because Kylo has been more insufferable than usual and you haven’t been around, which leads me to believe that you’re to blame for his shitty mood.” Rey had certainly abandoned whatever friendly facade she saved for Hux when her family was around. 

 

“Bold of you to assume Kylo didn’t just do something stupid again.” 

 

“Please, I know he did something stupid. I’m just trying to figure out why this specific stupid thing turned into Kylo spending a few too many nights at my place.” 

 

“And why do you expect me to share that information with you?”

 

It seemed Rey didn’t have an answer for that question. At least not an immediate one. She floundered for a moment, searching for the right words while Hux stared at her through squinted eyes. 

 

“Believe it or not, I don’t completely hate you.” 

 

Hux smirked. “It must pain you to say that.”

 

“I’m trying to be nice here, okay?” Rey took a moment to exhale through her nose, then continued her spiel. “I think you’re a dick, I  _ thought  _ you weren’t serious about Kylo, but you’re still here and he likes you a lot, or whatever, so.” 

 

“So you want to save my relationship with a quick therapy session surrounded by bakeware and cutlery?”

 

The corner of Rey’s lip quirked into a smile. “Exactly.”

 

“As much as I appreciate your concern, I don’t feel exactly comfortable sharing the gorey details of my fight with Kylo,” Hux glanced around them, “here, alright?”

 

Rey nodded, almost as if she just realized she’d been standing in the middle of a big-box retailer dissecting Hux’s every move for the last 20 minutes. “Right, yeah, I get that. Can you just-- talk to him, okay? Please?” 

 

“Sure. I’ll call him.” It wasn’t necessarily a promise he intended on keeping, but it would shut Rey up temporarily. 

 

Rey moved to hug him, much to Hux’s dismay, but placed a hand over his shoulder at the last second. “I hope I see you at Leia and Han’s this weekend.” 

 

“Me too.” The smile Hux flashed was almost genuine, warming up at memories of the Organa-Solo household.

 

It didn’t take very long for Rey to say her goodbyes, disappearing around a corner once Hux repeatedly assured her he’d call. Almost immediately, Hux found himself questioning the validity of Rey’s story. Was Kylo as distraught as she described? She wasn’t necessarily known to stretch the truth, but seemed desperate enough for Kylo and Hux to reconcile. 

 

He’d never know. Unless he called Kylo. 

 

Hux never liked giving in. And talking to Kylo, in some twisted way, felt like like surrendering whatever power he held in their relationship. Yet, here he was, weighting the pros and cons of confronting Kylo, which would only lead to Hux laying his emotional baggage on the table.

 

_ God _ , how did he end up here?

  
  
  
  


Hours later, in the solitude of his empty home, Hux poured himself a glass of wine and settled onto the couch with  _ The Handmaid’s Tale  _ playing on the tv. His phone rested on the cushion beside him. It didn’t vibrate, didn’t chime, yet Hux couldn’t help glancing at it. He couldn’t deny the pull he felt towards the device, towards the idea of calling Ren. He blamed Rey. 

  
  
  
  


The rapid pulsing of his phone pulled Hux from his slumber. Apparently he had passed out on the couch, lulled to sleep by the tv’s white noise and the wine in his belly. In his tired haze, Hux reached for his phone, cringing when the bright screen came to life.  _ Of course _ , he thought. There were a series of texts from Rey. 

 

_ Rey Skywalker: something tells me u didnt speak to kylo _

_ Rey Skywalker: bc hes here. drunk and sad.  _

_ Rey Skywalker: get it together huxly!!! _

 

Hux ignored Rey’s use of the atrocious nickname, instead fixating on the mentions of Kylo. He often become emotional when he drank, so Rey’s texts didn’t necessarily mean anything, did they? Hux sat up, feeling the blood rush to his head as he stared at his phone. He opened Kylo’s contact, thumb hovering over the ‘call’ icon. He groaned. Ren was most likely asleep or incoherent, and Hux was still dizzy with exhaustion, but he found himself calling Kylo anyway. 

 

The line rang once, twice, a third time (Hux almost hung up, fearful of the inevitable rejection) before a soft rustling filled his ear.

 

“Hello?” 

 

The familiar rumble of Kylo’s voice left Hux with a sense of relief so strong he could cry. He hadn’t noticed it at first, but the few days Hux spent without Kylo left him reeling. He never imagined that something as simple as the sound of Ren’s voice would affect him so deeply. It was stupid. But somehow perfect. He felt like an idiot. 

 

“Ren-- Kylo, it’s me.” 

 

Kylo was silent for a moment. Hux held his breath. 

 

“Hux?” He sounded confused, like the idea of Hux calling was completely foreign. 

 

He couldn’t help rolling his eyes, but smiled nonetheless at Ren’s drunken behavior. “Yes,” he confirmed. “It’s Hux.”

 

Ren processed this for a moment before bursting at the seams. “Hux? Hux, baby, I miss you. Miss you so, so much. Can I come home? I’m at Rey’s. I’m gonna come home.”

 

“Kylo, you’re drunk. You can’t go anywhere right now.” Hux’s words were promptly ignored as the sound of shuffling, a muffled  _ thud _ , and a drawn out  _ ow  _ came through the phone. Hux tried to hold back his laughter. “Are you alright,” he asked. 

 

“Just hit my head on the shelf.” A beat passed. “I’m laying down now.”

 

Hux smiled. “That’s good. Get some sleep, okay? I heard you had quite a night.” 

 

“Are you hanging up?” Kylo sounded wounded. 

 

“I am. I just wanted to check on you, but I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

Hux could end the conversation now, take the silence between them as a que to say goodbye, but he was hesitant to hang up.

 

Kylo spoke up. “Hey, Hux?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Love you. So much.”

 

“I know, Ren.” Hux let his eyes fall shut. “I love you. Goodnight.”

  
  
  
  


Whatever relief Hux found himself basking in the night before had dissipated with the new day. He had promised Kylo he’d call, but the idea of facing a sober Ren was daunting. Something told him Kylo wouldn’t be as welcoming in the morning light, instead stone-faced and unapologetic. But what else could he do? Live out these dull, uneventful days until Kylo caved? No, he couldn’t bear the thought of this charade stretching on a moment longer, leaving Hux with no other choice but to swallow his pride. 

 

Hux glanced towards the foot of his bed, catching Millicent mid-yawn. He fell back against his pillow with a sigh. He could do this. Of course he could. It was just Kylo, they’d fought like this before, and everything always turned out _just_ _fine_. 

 

He tried to stomach the discomfort that rose in his chest; climbing up the back of his throat like bile. Hux dialed Kylo’s number and brought the phone to his ear. He waited, and then--

 

“Hux.” It was a statement, not a question. 

 

“Hi, Ren.”

 

“To what do I owe the please?” Kylo seemed casual enough, like he’d forgotten the past week, but there was a distance behind his playful response. 

 

Hux wanted to ask if he remembered their previous phone call. Perhaps it didn’t matter, but it would make this next part much easier. “I’d like for you to come over, so we can talk.”

 

“Yeah,” Kylo asked. 

 

“Yes.” Hux inhaled. “Please.”

 

“Okay. Gimme like, an hour. “ 

 

“Yes, of course. I’ll see you in an hour.”

 

“Bye, Hux.”

 

He couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye. “I’ll see you soon.” 

 

The line went dead. Hux let the phone fall onto the mattress with a bounce.

  
  
  
  


There was a soft rap at his front door exactly an hour and thirty two minutes later. Hux’s legs seemed to move on their own accord, carrying him towards the threshold. He opened the door. 

 

Kylo was just as beautiful as ever. 

 

Hux expected him to look worse somehow, almost as if their time apart would take a physical toll on the man, but of course that wasn’t the case. Ren’s hair fell just below his ears in waves of golden brown. The heathered grey of his t-shirt was hidden behind a black hoodie, layered beneath a jean jacket Hux had seen him wear time and time again. His jeans were black. Boots, too. Kylo’s outfit was hardly anything new, and Hux was thankful for the familiarity. If he tried hard enough, he could almost pretend everything was completely normal. Like Kylo was simply coming over to lounge on the couch and eat dinner with Millicent at his feet. 

 

But he was here to talk. 

 

“Can I come in?” Kylo’s question brought him back to reality. Maybe they’d been standing at the door in complete silence with Hux cataloging the other man’s appearance for a moment too long.

 

Hux stepped aside. “Of course, come on.”

 

The moment Ren stepped through the door, MIllicent was on his tail. She manifested seemingly out of thin air to butt her head against his shin and chirp at him happily. _Traitor_ , Hux thought, as Millie purred under Kylo’s attention. 

 

“I think someone missed you.” 

 

Ren smirked. Hux’s heart stopped. “Of course she missed me. Who else is going to slip her pieces of chicken when you aren’t looking?”

 

“Yes, I suppose you’re right. Millicent has always been motivated by culinary rewards.” Silence stretched between them. “Do you want to sit down?” 

 

“Yeah, sure.” 

 

Kylo rose from the ground, moving towards the center of Hux’s living room. It was hard to ignore the overwhelming wave of deja vu that struck Hux at the image of Ren planting himself on the couch, and how it tugged painfully at his heart. He made the horrible ( _ perfect _ , actually perfect) decision to sit beside Kylo, leaving a cushion’s worth of space between them. 

 

Hux cleared his throat. “I’ll start, if that’s okay.” Kylo watched him intently. Hux struggled to breath. “I wanted to apologize for my behavior. I wasn’t being honest, and that wasn’t-- it’s not right to punish you for my own mistakes.”

 

“Hux…” Kylo shifted across the cushions, moving to Hux’s side. He placed a hesitant hand on the smaller man’s knee. Hux was too afraid to meet Ren’s gaze, instead fixating on thick fingers dancing across his thigh. 

 

“I thought a lot about what you said, and you were right.” Hux paused, taking a moment to inhale. “I don’t want to feel like I’m taking advantage of your patience, but I have to be honest with myself, and I am.”

 

Kylo tried to catch Hux’s eye. “Hey, c’mon--”

 

Hux looked up. “Let me finish. Please.” 

 

Kylo’s brow furrowed, but he sat back, giving Hux the chance to speak. 

 

“I love you, Kylo. And I know you love me because you  _ show  _ me.” Hux watched himself pick at the skin around his fingernails. “I don’t think I know how to show you.”

 

Kylo was quiet. He pulled his hand from Hux’s thigh, and Ren could hear the other man’s sudden intake of breath, could feel the influx of dread surrounding him in thick waves. Kylo brought his hand to the nape of Hux’s neck, sinking his fingers into the soft red hairs untouched by harsh gel or sticky pomade.

 

“Could you find it within the realm of possibility to forgive me,” Hux asked in a voice so low it toed the line of a whisper. 

 

“Baby,” Kylo began, guiding Hux’s head with a slow hand, willing Hux to look at him. And he did. 

 

Ren opened his mouth to speak once more, but nothing came out. He sighed. Hux’s nerves grew with the passing silence, his anxiety expanding until it billowed from his stomach and into his chest. Suddenly, Kylo pulled him closer and pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

 

“I don’t know what to say,” Kylo murmured against the warmth of Hux’s skin. 

 

Hux’s eyes were screwed shut. Ren took a moment to watch him; to catalog the dusting of freckles and visible blue veins without scrutiny from the man before him. The pale blonde of Hux’s eyelashes captured Kylo’s attention, and led him down the bridge of the ginger’s nose, over the pink of his chapped lips, and across the faint red of his cheeks. Kylo pressed their foreheads together, adjusting his grip along the back of Hux’s neck where he held him close. 

 

Their lips were practically touching like this, brushing slightly with every intake and release of breath. “You don’t have to think so hard, Hux,” Kylo sighed. “Just gotta tell me what’s on your mind and I’ll make it easy for you, okay?” 

 

Hux’s eyes stayed closed, and his mouth was fixed in a frown, but he nodded. Then Ren kissed him, really, genuinely,  _ finally _ , and it felt like coming home. Kylo was odd, of course he was, and messy, and loud, and childish, and resentful-- but he loved Hux. And somehow that made everything okay, even if it was just for a little while.

 

When Kylo pulled away, he was smiling, and Hux couldn’t help the upturn of his own lips. 

 

“You’re really something else, you know that,” Ren asked with a tilt of his head. 

 

The smile Hux wore shifted into a smirk. “Isn’t that why you like me?” 

 

“Yeah.” Kylo swayed back into Hux, almost catching his lips once more. “I guess so.” 

  
  
  
  


Later, as Ren laid against the cool cotton of Hux’s sheets with the smaller man crowded against his chest, Millicent padded into the bedroom as silent as the night surrounding them. She pounced onto the mattress artfully, toeing over long limbs and slippery sheets. She settled finally at the head of the bed, planting herself beside a mess of long brown hair. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ If you could die and come back to life _

_ Up for air from the swimming pool _

_ You’d kneel down to dry land _

_ Kiss the Earth that birthed you _

_ Gave you tools just to say alive _

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed! kinda wanna write a part 2 with hux and kylo's first time together but i've never written smut so who knows. leave me a comment and some kudos if you'd like!!


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